The phil&teds Parenting Dictionary
A huge part of the parenting day is the lingo. There are so many essential terms that you’ve probably never heard before. It’s time to learn them, or at the very least be presented with a guide to the language. We know what it’s like to be a parent so we’ve put together a Parenting Dictionary for you to reference.
The intention of the phil&teds Parenting Dictionary is to get an insight into what to expect during the Parenting Day and beyond. The phil&teds Parenting Dictionary will also arm you with the knowledge to adapt&survive the Parenting Day and escape the nursery jail with kids in tow!
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A – [ey]
All-terrain: designed to travel on all types of ground, including rough ground.
Ankle biter: A small human.
Attachment parenting: Considered a new age term. Attachment parenting is responding to the baby’s needs to build a strong bond with them. It follows the seven Bs: birth bonding, breastfeeding, baby wearing, bed sharing, belief in the language of your baby’s cry, beware of baby trainers and balance.
Au pair: Someone from abroad to take care of the children and do some housework in exchange for room and board.
B – [bee]
Baby badge: That white strip from the top of your shoulder to about halfway down your back. A baby badge is caused by a spilling baby and is earned. All parents must be initiated.
Baby dancing: The sensual dance two people play when trying to conceive. It’s usually done at night and sometimes to a calendar. It can be completely spontaneous. “The baby dancing lasted all night” (See: romance)
Baby-led weaning: When your baby’s ready to start on solids at around the six month mark. Let your baby feed itself with bite-sized chunks of food like sweet potato. It’s best to make them small enough to pick up with their fingers. No matter how small they are there is still going to be a lot of food on their face. Have the camera ready.
Baby sitter: A teenage girl that is paid to sit in your lounge and listen to the baby monitor while you’re out.
Baby wearing: Carrying a baby (or toddler) in a carrier or sling, front or back.
Baby-whipped: A parent whose life is now consumed by their tiny, dribbling baby.
Bedtime: Follows the witching hour. (See witching hour).
Bedtime routine: Pre-parenthood this involved a glass of red and an episode of Game of Thrones. Now it’s a minute-by-minute routine that involves military level planning, teamwork and the ability to improvise. (See: witching hour)
Binky: Another word for a pacifier. (See: paci, nuk, dummy)
Blowout: When your baby poops so much it explodes outside of it’s diaper and causes a giant, stinky mess.
Bonjela: A liquorice tasting paste that gives baby sweet relief from teething pain.
Booger sucker: A device shaped like a lightbulb, made of soft plastic that is designed to be put up a child’s nose and suck out the snot.
Boppy pillow: A “C” shaped pillow commonly used to offer support when nursing or bottle feeding – “A gift from the feeding gods.”
Bouncer: A rocking chair for your child. Used when the child cannot crawl.
Bum shuffling: Post rolling over, pre crawling. Bum shuffling is the second learned mode of transport before it starts to crawl.
Butt paste: Another name for diaper rash cream, which is used to treat and prevent diaper skin irritations.
C – [see]
Cage: (See: playpen)
Capsule: British English reference to infant car seat.
Carpool: A transport service organised by your playgroup that concentrates all of the children into one car. It’s usually cyclic, making it your turn once every 6 weeks.
Changing table: A place to change baby when it poops any 1 of the 2000 times in it’s first year. It’ll keep pooping during its second year too so get a good one.
Childcare: A service to look after your child. (See: babysitter)
Co-sleeping: When a parent and child share a bed or sleep close together for easy breastfeeding, constant bonding, and feeling of security. It can be challenging especially if the child learns to starfish.
Code brown: An emergency at the swimming pool. Baby unleashes while swimming – results in a pool evacuation.
Commando crawling: Pre crawling. The child pulls itself across the ground resembling a commando in training.
Colic: Crying for no apparent reason. The child has a dry nappy, a full tummy, is warm and in good health. You are not a bad parent – it happens.
Consultant parent: Rather than telling their kids what to do, these parents “consult”. They will explore options with their kids and trust they will make the right decision. “So you want to be a firetruck.. great! Have you considered any other professions? Also, have you thought about the pros and cons of having ‘utility vehicle’ on your C.V?”
Crawling: Moving around on all fours to get from A to B.
D – [dee]
Date night: An occasion when all of the stars align: Child is sleeping and baby sitter arrives with enough time for you to get ready. It’s usually over by 10pm – max. (See: romance)
Diaper: American term for nappy. (See: nappy)
Doula: A trained professional, usually a woman, who assists another woman before, during, and often times after childbirth to provide postpartum support.
Dummy: A rubber, silicone or plastic nipple for a child to suck on.
E – [ee]
Ear pulling: A classic signal that your infant is tired.
Early childhood education: A place where you drop off your child so that it learns to socialise with small humans it’s own age.
F – [ef]
Foetal position: The shape you make when you huddle in the corner of the room when baby won’t sleep.
Free-range parent: The opposite of helicopter parent – allows their children to roam around on their own. “Just stay off the road and be back for dinner at 6!”
G – [jee]
Google: Your new best friend. 3am googling of ‘when do babies sleep through the night’.
Gripe water: an over-the-counter liquid supplement to sooth colic (See: colic)
Growth chart: A special place on the wall or door frame with height lines.
H – [eych]
Helicopter parenting: A parent that hovers around their child, ready to swoop in and be protective at any moment.
Hypnobirthing: Hypnosis used during labour favoured by celebrity parents including Jessica Alba and Giovanna Fletcher. Hypnobirthing is a mind over matter technique to help mitigate negative associations with giving birth.
I – [ahy]
Infant car seat: A car seat for a newborn child. Used until the child is approximately 9 months old.
Instinctive parent: A parent that believes they know everything already. They rely solely on intuition (and maybe a few memories of how they were raised) as guides.
J – [jey]
Jolly jumper: Attached to a door frame, this is a spring loaded product that helps baby get strength in its legs.
L – [el]
Lanisoh: A cream that provides comfort when breastfeeding.
Latching on: This is how a baby attaches to breast-feed. If the latch is right, it will make it easier for your baby to feed and should make it more comfortable for you.
Lawnmower parent: A parent who “mows down” any obstacles they see in their child’s life.
Layette: Baby’s first wardrobe – a collection of clothing, bedding, and accessories for a newborn. Acquired from a ‘baby shower’.
Lovey: A blanket, stuffed animal or toy that the child loves, will never part with and has never been washed. Used for sleeping and comforting. (See: naptime)
M – [em]
Mall-terrain: A tiled environment usually found in a mall. It’s not rugged enough to justify air-filled tyres and not quite 100% smooth. It results in clicks under-wheel that speed up as your shopping intensifies.
Maternity clothes: Clothes that look good, provide easy nipple access and are comfortable as your body changes with pregnancy.
Meconium: The very first poop from a newborn infant, usually a blackish, dark green colour that has a tar-like consistency.
Midwife: A specialised nurse who specializes in childbirth, postpartum, and well-woman health care.
Mummy brain: An expression used for the forgetfulness of a busy or pregnant mum who operates on very little sleep.
Mummy wars: The divide between communities of mothers about topics such as: breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, strollers, baby wearing etc.
Morning sickness: The weeks (and months) of feeling nauseous after falling pregnant.
Mucus plug: A mucus discharge that blocks the opening of the cervix to prevent bacteria from entering the uterus. Passing a mucus plug is a sign that the body is starting to prepare for birth.
N – [en]
Nanny: A support person that helps with parenting – either family or hired. (See: childcare)
Nappy: What the British call a diaper.
Naptime: The determining factor as to whether the day goes well or not.
No rescue parent – The polar opposite of a lawnmower parent, these mothers take a hands-off approach. Rather than wrestle a coat onto their kid, they let them go outside without one so they’ll learn … and remember to wear one next time.
Nuk: (See: binky, paci, dummy)
O – [oh]
Onesie: A soft, comfortable one-piece for infants and babies that has snaps at the crotch for easy access to diaper changes. “I loved baby Sam’s AB/CD onesie!”
Outsourced parenting: Parenting like you’re the CEO of a business. Go ahead and hire potty training consultants, birthday party consultants, sleep consultants, and more to ease the burden on you.
P – [pee]
Pacifier: abbr: paci (See: binky, dummy, nuk)
Parallel parenting: A parenting style adopted by divorced parents. It happens when things are still too awkward to communicate properly. Each parent assumes specific parental duties to minimize contact between each other. Separate parent-teacher conferences, trade off attending your kid’s birthday parties, curb-side drop-offs are all common to shield the child from tension (and avoid headaches yourself).
Parenting day: 24 hours to push, feed, sleep, carry, drive, adapt&survive with baby. Rinse and repeat.
Percentile: Usually referring to the size of one’s child. “My child sits in the 95th percentile for weight”.
Permissive parent: Ice cream for breakfast? No problem. Not into doing your homework? No sweat. Permissive parents have few rules and rarely enforce the ones they have. Some just want to be seen as “fun” while others lack backbone. Either way, their kids run the show.
Play date: An occasion when your friend brings their similar age child to play with yours while you drink wine and catch up.
Play pen: A safe place for your child to play before they learn how to climb.
Plunket: Child assistance and advice – every kiwi parent’s saviour. “New Zealand’s largest provider of support services for the development, health and wellbeing of children under 5”
Poonami: A giant baby bowel movement that escapes through the top, sides and bottom of a nappy. Will make its way up to the child’s neck – nothing is safe. “We were not prepared for this afternoons devastating poonami”
Poocano: (See: poonami)
Portacot: A movable sleeping space for your small human.
Potty training: Several days where your child runs around with no pants while you coax and bribe them to use the potty. May or may not result in mess.
Pram – The British English term for stroller. (See: stroller, buggy)
R – [ahr]
Romance: When your husband rubs your feet on a Friday night and gets up with the kids on a Saturday morning so that you can lie in.
S – [es]
SAHM: (See: ‘stay-at-home-mum’)
School morning: A 2 and a half hour emotional rollercoaster that begins in bed and finishes in the car.
School night: A weeknight.
Sleep deprivation: What happens during the first 6 weeks after bringing your newborn home. “I was so sleep deprived I swore that my 3 months old child spoke to me in an English accent”
Sleeping through: When baby sleeps from 7pm to 7am without stirring.
Smell check: When you lift your infant to nose level in order to smell their nappy.
Soft play: Indoor playground filled with soft slides and climbing apparatus that your little one can clamber all over – with no risk of hurting itself.
Sophie: Sophie is the name of one of the world’s best-selling baby teething toys, Sophie The Giraffe by Vulli.
Spill: What happens when relieving your windy child post feed.
Stabilizing parent: Dinner at 5. Bedtime at 8. No exceptions, even for special occasions, since these moms believe kids do best with a regimented routine.
Stay-at-home mum: abbr: ‘SAHM’. A mother that is fortunate enough to put the career on hold, stay at home and raise her young ones.
Stroller: American term for pram. A 3 or 4 wheeled buggy to transport your children and the extra bags you now need to carry. (See: pram, buggy)
Swaddle: a special way to wrap a newborn for sleeping that resembles a cocoon. It can be a product or single sheet.
T – [tee]
Teat: A plastic, rubber or silicone nipple that attaches to a bottle.
Temper tantrum: When your child breaks down kicking and screaming at 5pm in the crowded supermarket. Occurs randomly. “My daughter had a furious temper tantrum because she couldn’t kiss the pineapple goodbye”
Terrible twos: When infant curiosity is leveraged by newly discovered emotions and the ability to walk. “My child cut the phone cord with the scissors and then had a temper tantrum because the phone stopped ringing” (See: temper tantrum)
Tiger mother: Involving both negative and positive parenting styles, such as strictness combined with warmth and support. Tiger mums raise their children to work really hard so that they achieve great results later in life.
Time out: A place to send your toddler when they have taken things too far. (See: terrible twos)
Tummy time: When baby spends time lying on their stomach to build strength in their neck.
Travel system: A stroller that has a capsule that easily clicks in.
U – [yoo]
Ultrasound: A type of scan used during pregnancy
Umbrella stroller: A type of stroller that folds down to about the size of an umbrella.
W – [duhb-uh l-yoo, -yoo; rapidly duhb-yuh]
Witching hour: Anytime between 5pm and bedtime. The children are particularly adventurous, highly sensitive and a total nightmare. (See: bedtime routine)
Working mum: A hardworking superhero who is tirelessly thinking about what’s best for the family. Usually juggling a career and family life simultaneously.
We hope the phil&teds Parenting Dictionary has shed some light on what to expect from the Parenting Day. It is here to make you laugh and realise that no parent is perfect and there are many different approaches to parenthood. The phil&teds Parenting Dictionary is not intended to be taken seriously, though if you read between the lines there is truth in there. We hope you enjoyed the phil&teds Parenting Dictionary.
Also, enjoy parenthood.
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